Thank you Jesus for your forgiveness!

Honestly, forgiveness is the hardest thing to give, especially if someone didn't even ask for it. As I pray for my heart to be healed and as I ponder on my own forgiveness, I can't really deny that someone grace and mercy.

So what actually happened?

It has been a week now since we landed from our trip and back to our country of residence. We arrived home safe and sound, amidst the big crowds helplessly waiting their turn to grab a taxi, we had ours in just a click. However, we ended up being sick for days, I myself am just getting back to my health though I still feel some sinus secretions here and there.

Sinus, colds, headaches, ear pain, blocked nose, and clogged ears. It's not new to me, but it has become one of my paranoia. Since landing a job as a cabin crew, I have always had this feeling that one day, I might become blind, or deaf because of this endless cycle of illness. Lord willing, I would still be able to see and hear everyone who loves me at 90! 

So anyway, I asked my husband to join me in consulting with a doctor since I haven't gotten any better at Day 3! I wanted to go to an ENT but he insisted that a GP would just be fine. So alright, I agreed and moved along. This GP just interviewed us and checked our blood chemistry to run some tests; he also checked for influenza and praise God we are both negative! We saw the results from the email sent to us. As for my husband, he got a call and he missed answering it.

Naturally, he called them back and asked for anything important to know. He then confided that he still feels this and that...they were talking for a while on the phone. As for me, I didn't get any call because apparently, even if the receptionist asked for my updated mobile number, on the medicine we took was still printed the old one I used before. My husband was then patient to ask if the doctor would also like to talk to me through his phone, and he obliged, and I was told that I'm good and all set since I was feeling better.

Once my daughter and I are in the bedroom, my husband started preparing to go outside and I simply asked him what was he still going to do outside? He answered me that he was prescribed a COVID test with emphasis on "hindi kasi ako nagsinungaling".

I WAS HURT. I felt triggered... and maybe because I wasn't dwelling on God's Word for a long time (sorry po Lord!) 

I wanted to tell him that, why would he even 'control' how I ACTUALLY feel and being a showoff about it? I have a right to tell and state exactly how I feel without him dictating me. This is my health, this is my own body. Why would he still be the one in the know, or in the right, when he has his own body to take care of? 

Nakakairita!!!! I think about all the other things I have submitted to him as well, and I'm at a loss. Am I too much of a submissive (Christian) wife that I no longer stand up for myself?

So...I prayed, as Corrie Ten Boom was in The Hiding Place--she prayed that Jesus' forgiveness would fill her heart and mind so that she would have the forgiveness needed to forgive her tormentor. I prayed that as Jesus forgave me from my own sins, may He also give me the Holy Spirit to forgive my husband as he troubled me with these thoughts. 

Actually, even before I went to God in prayer and in His word, I was already thinking of sending them back home instead. What's the use of them being here when I felt I have nothing left to give them. I was getting impatient with my baby, who was actually sick. I was getting angry at my husband, without him even knowing. I was having a stressful day.

but thank you Jesus Christ for your forgiveness. Clearly these thoughts are one of the devices that can clearly get to me when I am tempted to despair. The Word, the Cross, the Holy Spirit, are with me to endure the life we have here on Earth and that made a whole lot of difference! 

I felt better, lighter, and even reminiscing on the Philippians 2 mandate of servitude. May I never be at a loss again with my own sinful ways...Hide me O Lord in Your Cross.

A Slap in the Face

If you would ask me how I feel right now in this current job function I have, I would need to be honest with you.

I am not happy.
In fact, I am disappointed, or should I say, I feel degraded.

Instead of feeling empowered, or accomplished, that someone like me who's in my first overseas job and just a few months before my first year here in Dubai, I feel like I am abused yet neglected. I feel abused because people who are with the same job function with me are with better compensation, greater benefits and less stress. I do some of the manager's function, and what? I'm just compensated with his housing allowance, or maybe not even close. My healthcard is downgraded to a meager amount that I shouldn't be using it at all.

I know I don't have that enough experience compared with them, but why do they keep delegating tasks more than I should have been receiving? Why should I keep two functions with me when it is clearly stated that I should be with this other department now?

If you are in UAE, please help me land at least a Free Zone job. Pleaseeee :( 

holding back.

Been trying to ward off any feeling that reminds me of all the previous experiences in the past couple of months. It's of course a lot different from what I used to enjoy.






However, there are really just some things worth keeping to yourself.

so you wouldn't wonder why.

It all happened once in an August afternoon...

It's one song and it changed everything.

It was quiet then, when I heard it very clearly. My mind froze, my heart beat drastically, my vision dimmed and I just knew it was the wrong decision., that I was in a wrong place, and I can still turn back --- just when I thought I was happy and that everything was going smooth...

I turned back and it was good.
I couldn't care less but it won't be a mistake turning back.

All because of that one song.

Waiting is really such a big turnoff.

I feel bad for my childhood friend (or friend since childhood?) for having to talk to her husband only through the internet despite the fact that, contrary to my own situation, he is a bus ride away, I think. She has to cry and spill tears and use up tissue, when she has a shoulder whom she should be doing those things to. What's the point of being married in that situation anyway?

Lately, I have been daydreaming immensely on weddings, honeymoons, dream cars, dream houses and so on, but seeing her like that makes me want to ask why am I dreaming away? And that I should look beyond those tears and keep myself busy with dreaming because this is the prize of being able to wait... Waiting, in the time of the Lord, on His real blessed plan for us.

Which I have failed on another aspect. I am a nurse, at least, by the card but not yet in my (coming) work. I have been too anxious for 4 months after my board exam, with everyone else asking about me and my current employment status, and worse, my family's financial aspect. I was offered job after job not related to my course... but hey, I thought, if I will be working for something I wasn't prepared for, why not go for something which offers best? I grabbed the opportunity and in less than a week, I was summoned for interview schedules in a hospital.

And another hospital after 1 month.

He Went His Way to His Dreams...

I woke up at the crack of dawn, still dazed from a 4-hour sleep, with eyes still visibly swollen after applying an eye cream, struggling to arise and look forward to the day ahead. Well, today, I shall again come to NAIA and say my goodbyes to a loved one. It's not the first time that I say goodbye to someone and lose him or her to other countries, but today, I think my heart went out flying too.


It was the familiar company of his family - his mom, dad, aunt, cousin, and nephew - were with us on our way to the departure gate of the airport. They were busy retelling stories of old from what they have missed from each other since they left; on the other hand, we were quite drowsy from our one-day marathon of our effort to be dauntless before our parting. I just couldn't believe that it was just last night that we have managed to do something we have long hoped for in years.


We were out last night, crossing out together things from his checklist, like buying personal stuff he's supposed to have yet still unavailable. He also succeeded to make me try out this cool new restaurant that's been recently looming out from everywhere, and much to our surprise, we were treated like VIPs. (Maybe it was because we were from Vigan #matching shirts) It was my first time, it was his nth. 


It was also last night when we sneaked out to catch a glimpse of the so-called meteor shower, only to find out that a.) it was VERY cloudy and b.) it was starting to rain and C.) It was our first time just lying around under the night sky... It was very rewarding to just lie there among the grass, with a song you both know is very appropriate to what you two were having just right there. We started singing...  my tears are already shedding out... then it started to rain. 

All those farewells from the night and days before, made me realize it's all coming down to this day. But what tugged from my heartstrings were the words, "sabi mo kasi re-review-hin kita e..." (His answer when asked "Bakit nga naghintay ka pa ng 4 years bago ka nag-abroad?") and it was true, I said that while he was still reviewing for his own board exam, and I was still in high school...

Today, I just chose to start my day with ambivalence; the feeling of both a daydream and a nightmare. I knew that this day would come, a nightmare that we'll have to part from each other; but at the same time, dream of the future that this will soon be over and we'll then be hand in hand again.

It's one of those days again.

It's one of those days again... when I look in the mirror, grief-stricken tears rolling on my cheeks, weakened by an hour of weeping and asking myself: "Why?"


Why did I consent to a lifelong commitment with the things I don't have compassion about when it is what all it needs: compassion, caring, service, ....? I knew I'd come to this point from the time I have decided to let my parents decide for my life. I knew back then that someday would come when I blame that day when I gave them my "fine".


"Fine" - fine that I'll do it for them. Fine that I'll spent 6 years of my life, at least, pleasing them and making me feel good for the benefits that someday I'll end up getting. But you know what?


Mom, Dad. I'm tired. I can't satisfy your vision for me anymore. 


The pathway you chose for me just can't lead me back to happiness that I should be having right now. You're not the ones who end up having 2 hours sleep to study. You're not the one being ....




*turns lazy*

Fashion Ambassador :3

I've just read from Tricia's and Domz's sites that they are now officially the ambassadors for Fashion 21, one of the biggest names in the fashion industry taking over the Philippines, and well. What can I say? Of course, I'm jealous T_T

hey!

I had just put up a new site with wordpress, but hosted by Sis Anne of Pinkfab.info. Still updating it and all :) I just need to do so for the mean time. still keeping this blog friends! ;)

Second to the Last Semester :)

gradeslip says, "hi world!"

hahaha

I got my gradeslip today, at around 14:21, claimed with an "I-just-got-out-from-the-laundry" test permit (because my mom dumped my bag on the laundry trying to get it cleaned up --which I eventually did), with at least 5 clinical instructors watching me hand it out to the administrator of the grade slips.

Funnier thing during that moment was , my friend has left his test permit again! :p first was during the signing of clearance/issuance of finals stamp.

I was so disappointed with myself, for not fighting for at least some point higher grade... a Full Scholarship requirement is a grade not lower than 1.75 and an average of not lower than 1.50.

To think of it, a "0.08" point difference from that cutoff would cost me about, say, P22,000. Imagine what I could have done with that money. It's enough to pay for a review center in preparation for the Nursing Licensure Exams! o_o