Honestly, forgiveness is the hardest thing to give, especially if someone didn't even ask for it. As I pray for my heart to be healed and as I ponder on my own forgiveness, I can't really deny that someone grace and mercy.
So what actually happened?
It has been a week now since we landed from our trip and back to our country of residence. We arrived home safe and sound, amidst the big crowds helplessly waiting their turn to grab a taxi, we had ours in just a click. However, we ended up being sick for days, I myself am just getting back to my health though I still feel some sinus secretions here and there.
Sinus, colds, headaches, ear pain, blocked nose, and clogged ears. It's not new to me, but it has become one of my paranoia. Since landing a job as a cabin crew, I have always had this feeling that one day, I might become blind, or deaf because of this endless cycle of illness. Lord willing, I would still be able to see and hear everyone who loves me at 90!
So anyway, I asked my husband to join me in consulting with a doctor since I haven't gotten any better at Day 3! I wanted to go to an ENT but he insisted that a GP would just be fine. So alright, I agreed and moved along. This GP just interviewed us and checked our blood chemistry to run some tests; he also checked for influenza and praise God we are both negative! We saw the results from the email sent to us. As for my husband, he got a call and he missed answering it.
Naturally, he called them back and asked for anything important to know. He then confided that he still feels this and that...they were talking for a while on the phone. As for me, I didn't get any call because apparently, even if the receptionist asked for my updated mobile number, on the medicine we took was still printed the old one I used before. My husband was then patient to ask if the doctor would also like to talk to me through his phone, and he obliged, and I was told that I'm good and all set since I was feeling better.
Once my daughter and I are in the bedroom, my husband started preparing to go outside and I simply asked him what was he still going to do outside? He answered me that he was prescribed a COVID test with emphasis on "hindi kasi ako nagsinungaling".
I WAS HURT. I felt triggered... and maybe because I wasn't dwelling on God's Word for a long time (sorry po Lord!)
I wanted to tell him that, why would he even 'control' how I ACTUALLY feel and being a showoff about it? I have a right to tell and state exactly how I feel without him dictating me. This is my health, this is my own body. Why would he still be the one in the know, or in the right, when he has his own body to take care of?
Nakakairita!!!! I think about all the other things I have submitted to him as well, and I'm at a loss. Am I too much of a submissive (Christian) wife that I no longer stand up for myself?
So...I prayed, as Corrie Ten Boom was in The Hiding Place--she prayed that Jesus' forgiveness would fill her heart and mind so that she would have the forgiveness needed to forgive her tormentor. I prayed that as Jesus forgave me from my own sins, may He also give me the Holy Spirit to forgive my husband as he troubled me with these thoughts.
Actually, even before I went to God in prayer and in His word, I was already thinking of sending them back home instead. What's the use of them being here when I felt I have nothing left to give them. I was getting impatient with my baby, who was actually sick. I was getting angry at my husband, without him even knowing. I was having a stressful day.
but thank you Jesus Christ for your forgiveness. Clearly these thoughts are one of the devices that can clearly get to me when I am tempted to despair. The Word, the Cross, the Holy Spirit, are with me to endure the life we have here on Earth and that made a whole lot of difference!
I felt better, lighter, and even reminiscing on the Philippians 2 mandate of servitude. May I never be at a loss again with my own sinful ways...Hide me O Lord in Your Cross.
